Discussions On Evangellion's Ending
Favored Theory
It’s not because he wanted to confirm instrumentality failed.
It’s not because he was disoriented from being infused with the universal consciousness.
It’s not because it was the last thing he remembers doing (per se.)
And it’s not because he hated Asuka (also per se.)
The final scene of NGE can be interpreted as a last ditch metaphor to summarize Hedeaki Anno’s message about humanity that he wanted to convey with the inception of NGE in a single scene.
This will be a pretty long-winded explanation, goes a bit left-field, but bear with me.
One of the fundamental themes that comes up in the philosophical commentary of the show is the idea that we are all born fine but manifest insecurities through childhood trauma. This is a very accepted theme amongst eastern philosophers and apparent in the openness of children to others and strangers before we build up guards to not trust one another, realize apparent inadequacies compared to our neighbors and ego is formed. Most childhood trauma and insecure dynamics are attributed to psychological imprinting by parental figures, as shown by Asuka cutting off others based off her being close to her mom resulted in the pain of abandonment from her suicide and mental illness, misato’s promiscuity and fear of stability by degrading herself based off her hated father’s idea she should be chaste, and Shinji feeling inherently worthless because his father’s neglect and constant disapproval. Shinji’s rooted insecurity and mental illness explicitly stated by the interaction, “What are you afraid of” “Being rejected” “By who?” “My father.” (Episode 25) and further demonstrated by the sequences of child Shinji expressing, “What should I do if people hate me?!” The flashback scene in EoE to when he is building a pyramid, gets abandoned and then takes his pain out on his creation represents the breaking of his initial innocence that all humans have; the first formation of ego and the knowledge of abandonment or rejection.
This focus on fundamental human psychology is further emphasized by Anno’s recognition of the primal root of human insecurity: the human evolutionary necessity for acceptance from one another as is stated by Gendo, “People cant survive unless they’re part of a group. People cannot live on their own. Even though in the end we’re all alone. That’s why life is painful. That’s why life is lonely. That’s what drives us to embrace another heart.” (Episode 26) This idea is further emphasized with child Asuka screaming to her mother, “Please don’t kill me” and again in the kitchen scene where the last thing Shinji screams during his fit is, “Please don’t kill me.”
This connects to the next overtly stated idea of humans compulsively seeking others to heal our emptiness or sense of worthlessness. Worthlessness leading to disregard/abandonment from others and tribal abandonment leading to the evolutionary fear of death. Shinji shows this when answering, “Why do you pilot the eva?” with “Everyone praises me when I do,” the instrumentality quotes: “You’re just hoping you’ll be needed by others” “Nobody needs a pilot who can’t operate an Eva” and the interaction of:
“What are you looking for” “DON’T HATE ME”
“I’m afraid of…” “REJECTION”
“What I want is…” “CONTACT AND ACCEPTANCE“
“What do you wish for…” “Relief from anxiety”
“What are you looking for…” “Relief from loneliness,”
And tying back to the previous theme,
“You aren’t wishing for happiness? “Before I can be happy, I want something.” “I want to be valuable” “so valuable no one will abandon me.”
The idea is further explored in EoE when shinji enters instrumentality and shouts on the train, “I don’t know if everyone will stop wanting me again” “Please care about me” “People might decide they don’t need me again” “Talk to me! Pay attention to me!” And again with Misato’s promiscuity, “I think we do this to prove to ourselves that we really exist…that we’re needed, if only for our bodies. It makes me happy to feel desired. It’s an easy way to give yourself a sense of self-worth” It’s not unlikely Anno paralleled these feelings with his own in why he created Evangelion or pursued art all together; to deflect inherent feelings of worthlessness.
A side note is the series’ reference to the hedgehog’s dilemma as an overarching theme, which is where the more we invest ourselves into someone else and base our happiness on their requittal, the more pain we experience when it’s absent. So, we distance ourselves from running the risk of experiencing that pain. The AT-Field is literally the representation of the hedgehog’s dilemma. A good example of this is Gendo’s reasoning for why he neglected Shinji. By his own words in response to being asked if he feared Shinji, “I didn’t believe anyone could love me. I don’t deserve to be loved.” To which Yui and Kowaru respond, “so you were running away.” “You rejected others so you would never be hurt.” Gendo himself was afraid of Shinji not loving him if he attempted to form a relationship with him, so he spaced himself at a comfortable distance.
Hideaki Anno was so passionate about conveying these ideas and messages that, given two episodes left in the series, he dedicated them completely to illustrating these points, as well as the second half of EoE. For this reason, I feel it is a safe interpretation that for the second half of EoE, it’s best to view Shinji and Asuka not as dramatic characters, but as devices to illustrate Anno’s commentary on the human condition. This metaphor mostly takes place through Shinji being the idea of “Self” and Asuka being the idea of “Other.” This is loosely alluded to in episode 26, “You visualize your own shape by seeing the wall between “self” and “other.”
The kitchen scene
The kitchen scene is a pure demonstration of the human condition’s innate pain and the most basal reason why humans lash out at the world and others. It starts out with Shinji offering to help Asuka, in order to feel wanted or have value. She reacts negatively, starts berating him and accusing him that he doesn’t actually want to help her, he just wants validation/love/sense of worth he could get from helping anyone. This initial interaction demonstrates Shinji’s compulsion to constantly be needed juxtaposed to Asuka’s compulsion to not need anyone; two possible archetypal manifestations of trauma an individual could experience. From this point onward, given Anno’s emphasis on using metaphor to convey fundamentals of the human condition, Shinji should be interpreted as “self” and asuka as the idea of “other” or “others.” The dialogue becomes even more abstract as shinji starts desperately begging for someone to “help” him. (It should really be noted, the japanese word used, Tasukete, means “rescue," or "save” more than “assist” as the subtitles “help” conveys.) “[Save] me. Somebody please [save] me. Don’t leave me alone. Don’t abandon me. Please don’t kill me.” “Don’t kill me” being a reference to the basic instinctual and evolutionary root of why we have abandonment fears as stated by Gendo in an earlier paragraph. When Other denies him salvation from his misery, Self’s pain turns to resentment that she can heal him but chooses not to and he attacks her. Showing the dynamic in humanity that when individuals feel unloved and hurt, they are easy to hate others and lash out at the world for denying them the love that would heal them from their inherent distress. This resentment toward others is subsequently emphasized to why he says, “Nobody wants me, so they can all just die.”
Instrumentality
The AT-Field is a direct reference to the idea of the hedgehog’s dilemma. Our sense of self and individual is a result of our fear of pain if we make our happiness too dependent on someone else. This is why the global AT-field disruption is illustrated by a vision of what would make each individual feel completely whole and happy. For Maya, she sees Ritsuko loving her back completely, Makoto sees Misato loving him completely, Gendo sees Yui, Keel (leader of SEELE) feels the realization that he has effected human instrumentality. As stated in episode 26, “If you hate yourself, you can never be capable of loving or trusting others.” In the process of feeling completely secure, humans are free to experience closeness in its purest form, converged into an ocean of primordial fluid.
Hideaki Anno, having attempted suicide before, alludes to suicide through the decision to either have a peaceful loss of self-concept or maintain self and individuality in spite of the possibility of pain from others. A few scenes later, when Shinji is merged into Rei in the sea of LCL, shinji is faced with a “To be or not to be” quandary. Rei speaks to him with “If it’s too painful you can always make it stop” “If you don’t like it, you can always just run away” “Do you want to feel at ease” “Do you want peace of mind” “Do you want to become one with me.” Alluding to the fact that suicide is an escape and an answer to his ongoing pain and becoming one with everyone is the loss of the idea of self. (Explored more in the sketch-drawn scene of episode 26.)
This leads him into the following dialogue:
“If you wish for others to exist, the walls of their hearts will separate them again. They’ll feel fear once more.”
“I only felt pain when I existed in that reality. So I thought it was alright to run away. But there was nothing good in the place I escaped to either. Because I didn’t exist there and so no one else existed.”
“Is it alright for the AT-Field to cause you and others pain again?”
“I don’t mind”
This is the justification for life despite the serenity of suicide and death. Even though life carries the possibility of pain from isolation and rejection, it is better to be able to experience any moments and people we can share ourselves with, in spite of the pain that comes with it. Shinji declines the universal serenity of instrumentality and ends the process.
I need you
Shinji and Asuka are laying on the beach. For the sake of this scene, represented as the only two people on earth. Shinji represents the idea of Self, Asuka, quite literally, represents everyone else in the world, "Others.” Shinji gets up and starts choking Asuka as a direct continuation of the kitchen scene. We resent the world/others for being able to heal us but often not doing so through rejection, abuse, or incidental flaws. Earlier, Shinji asks the visions of Kaworu and Rei who they are. They respond, “We are the words, ‘I love you.’” “We are the hope that people will one day be able to understand each other.” In reference to this, Asuka gently reaches her hand up to Shinji’s face as a non-verbal “I love you,” causing Shinji to stop choking her and begin crying in realization. We think we need love, approval, and acceptance, so we hate others for the pain we experience from not receiving it, but after it’s been received, we’re still empty and are left with the realization that we really just hate who we are.
Asuka responds moments later with “disgusting…” or the direct translation, “bad feeling.”
Asuka’s voice actress stated that the original line was “I’d never want to be killed by you of all men, absolutely not!” Anno believed it was too contrived to be the final words of the series. Apparently he would commonly ask abstract questions to the voice actors to invoke and receive instinctive reactions surrounding their characters. She recounts he off-handedly once asked her, “Miyamura, just imagine you are sleeping in your bed and a stranger sneaks into your room. He can rape you anytime as you are asleep but he doesn’t. Instead, he masturbates looking at you, when you wake up and know what he did to you. What do you think you would say?”
To which she responded, “kimochi warui.”
Visceral, succinct, and implicative.
In the spirit of the original ending line and Asuka calling him disgusting for masturbating to her (knowledge gained from merged consciousness), this final tsundere line of rejection following the gesture of love is a statement referencing the visions of Kaworu and Rei to deliver Anno’s final message.
There is still love in this world, there is hope in the human spirit that people will one day understand each other, but we’re not there yet.
Edit: Alternate Explanation for Kimochi Warui
In an earlier episode toward the end, (I can't look it up now) Asuka is in the bathroom having a breakdown saying things like "who wants to bathe in the same water as misato... kimochi warui... who wants to use a washing machine that shinji has used... kimochi warui... who wants to sit on the same toilet misato has used... kimochi warui... who wants to breath the same air as shinji... kimochi warui."
I think this demonstrates that she finds any sort of personal connection to anyone in any way a disgusting feeling. Not to be some brooding edgelord, but I've experienced a lot of pain and embarrassment from other people in my life and I now mostly avoid talking to anyone to more-or-less protect myself from that pain. The thought of chatting up a stranger or being invited out to drinks with a new acquaintance to let them get to know me, I can pretty easily describe deep down as "gross."
So when she puts her hand to Shinji's face, she is showing she's capable of a connection, but then has to reconcile and rationalize it with her trauma and be grossed out by her action. ("We're not there yet.") Possibly similar to kissing Shinji and then getting super grossed out seconds later.